- ...at least YOU don't have to have morning sickness the whole time.
- ...what about the folks in the traditional adoption program who wait for 6 years???
- ...some people would die for this opportunity.
- ...at least you have a match!
- ...what about people who have lost their babies?
- ...you KNEW it would take a long time!
- ...you signed up for this in the first place!
- ...you have PLENTY else to be thinking about and doing. Why waste your time pining?
Yes, plenty of people have bigger worries and sorrows than me, but this is my moment to mourn for what is hurting me.
I have had GREAT news and GREAT things happening lately. The reality is, though, that there is SO much further to go and I am thinking about all the things that will happen in the mean time that I will miss. Snow just started walking. I've missed that. I already missed her first smiles, her first eight teeth, seeing her crawl, clap her hands, smile at ducks and chickens, saying her first words, eating her first solid foods. I might not even get to feed her a bottle at this rate. That time may have passed. A lot of her fat babyness might have melted away into complete toddlerhood by then.
I signed up for this. I know. I still desperately want it. But I am feeling an acute sense of loss right now for the things I have missed and will miss, a helplessness against the process, and an intense longing to reach out to the little one who will forever be my daughter, but who right now doesn't even know I exist.
I also worry. I worry about how she is progressing in a (albeit presumably good) foster home that is run by a city orphanage in a poor province. I worry about her eyes - is she getting enough protection? Enough visual stimulation? Is she adapting and learning how to compensate for her low vision? Am I losing the opportunity to give her the start she needs to be able to read print instead of using Braille? I worry about her skin - is she covered and protected? Has she gotten too much exposure and burned? I worry about her not forming an attachment to her foster family and having difficulty bonding to us. I hope she forms a strong attachment to her foster family, but I weep at the thought of how it will break her heart to be taken from them. I worry about my baby.
But since there is nothing I can do now but do paperwork, wait, do paperwork, send her a care package, and wait more, I'll tell you what I'm going to do:
I'm going to make some ice cream for Lashi and I and watch something brainless and funny (hence, the "Cheese") and go to sleep.