Should have put this up in September...

*This is a "process so far" entry that I wrote in September, WAY before our home study, dossier, match with our beautiful girl, etc.  It's more detailed than my overwhelmed memory is right now, and I had happy reminiscences while reading it. Enjoy.*

 

Our adoption process really began in earnest shortly after I started my midwifery training.  I am currently doing the academic portion of my midwifery training through Midwife to Be, an online/correspondence program headed by Lisa Aman, CPM.  Midwife to Be, or MTB, participates in mission trips to the Dominican Republic several times a year to both get more hands-on experience with births and to provide needed equipment to the Dominican nurses and midwives.  

After Lisa’s church returned from a mission trip to Uganda, she started working on setting up a midwifery-mission trip there.  The minister’s wife whom they worked with is a midwife at a hospital that delivers 20-30 babies every day.  It is also located near an orphanage run by the couple that serves over 600 orphans.  She said if people were interested in adopting one of the orphans from Uganda, there would be opportunity to pursue that.  

*PERK*  

Adoption?  We’ve always wanted to do that.  There was one problem, however: I could be interested all I want, but I’m only HALF of the parents in this family.  What would Lashi say?  I figured he’d say what he usually says about my great new ideas: no.  Usually, he’s right.  If left unchecked, I’d not only bring home half of the Ugandan orphan population, but I’d also start 3 new businesses, buy a farm and a herd of milk cows and run for office all at the same time, while learning to speak Arabic.  

 Can we say burnout?  

So, I took a deep breath and told him about the trip and the hospital, the birth opportunities, the orphanage and all the little kids – probably very fast and all in one breath, but I can’t remember – and then I waited for his response.  He took his own deep breath, looked me in the eyes very seriously and said, using his finger for emphasis, “You are allowed to bring home ONE child.  Do not even look at twins, sibling groups, anything.  I know they’re cute, but I don’t care how cute they are.  ONE CHILD!”  

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing!  He was ready to take the step and go for it without a big to-do.  I couldn’t even get him to do things he really wanted to without at least some hemming and hawing.

I got to work searching out Ugandan adoption requirements.  Turns out, there were several major problems.  One was the residency requirement.  Though they “sometimes make exceptions”, the Ugandan government requires a 3-6 month residency for foreign couples wishing to adopt a Ugandan child.  We couldn’t move the whole family to Africa for that long.  Lashi has work, the kids have school.  If we left them here, who would take care of them for that long?  Would I be travelling alone?  No, that looked like a problem.  Bigger yet, though, was that I found that many of the children in the orphanages are not true orphans, but children from poor families who cannot care for them, but visit frequently.  I don’t think it would be right under those circumstances to remove them from their family and culture.  There were many other “variables”, such as the time a visa might take, if the child we’re working to adopt becomes “qualified” at the right times, if the US would allow them in, etc.  Too many “ifs”.  

I looked at intercountry adoption in general, using the State Department website and calling all of the adoption agencies in town to get as much information as possible.  I filled quite a few pages in a notebook and printed numerous charts and lists of requirements.  

Many countries had residency requirements that we just could not comply with.

Many others had limits on the number of children allowed in the family.

Even more had wait times that were 3-5 years or longer!

In the end, the countries that “fit”, meaning they were willing to deal with us and we were willing to deal with them were: Russia, China and Ethiopia.  

Both Russia and Ethiopia were fairly stable, but had had some diplomatic issues in the past.  Both required two trips to the country.  Ethiopia has rampant AIDS, and although the children have to test negative before leaving the country, not all cases are caught.  Russia has a higher rate of children with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) after placement.

China looked like a long shot.  The income requirements looked very high: $10,000 per year per family member, including the child to be adopted.  That’s quite a bit if you’re a large family.  Second, the family has to have a net worth of $80,000 or more to qualify.  I was just counting up our liquid assets, and it doesn’t come close.  That worried me.  Third, they disqualify anyone who has had a history of depression.  I was on medication at the time for postpartum depression.  I thought that would disqualify us.   

Turns out I was worried for nothing.  Income includes the benefits package (health insurance, vacation time, etc.) which more than took care of that qualification.  Net worth includes a lot more than I thought: our home’s appraised value, our contents value (based on the insured amount), and more!  Finally, postpartum depression is not a mental illness - which is what China frowns on – it is a situational stress from a temporary hormonal state.  I was also ready to wean off of my medication (as the youngest had weaned from breastfeeding a couple months before), so that was not an issue.  

 Hooray!

Another issue with China is that because we have more than four children, we are allowed to adopt only a special needs child.  Uh-oh! Two of my siblings are “special needs”, did NOT want to deal with that!

Lashi, wanting to make sure we had checked all of our options off of the list, asked me to check out a couple other options first.

What about domestic adoption?  There are tons of children in the foster system that need adoptive homes.  What about them?  I called Denver county, because my mother said they had been so good to work with during my sister’s adoption.  They were very kind and friendly, but the story was clear: all of the children available through the county systems have serious issues from abuse, neglect, drug exposure, severe medical needs, or a combination of those.  At this point in our lives, we cannot risk the well-being of our other children on such a risky situation.  I know lots of kids that were adopted through the system, and their stories are not pretty, their adjustments are not pretty, and many of them never are able to recover from their past.  We just can’t go there.  

What about domestic infant adoption?  We actually had one agency that thought we could get an infant within a couple years: A Act of Love.  (Terrible, un-grammatical name, but I digress…)  They were also very kind, optimistic, and good to work with.  However, they said that about 7-10% of their birth mothers back out of the adoption AFTER the birth of the baby.  That’s a pretty high risk.  Also, quite a few babies are still special needs or drug exposed.

So, the choice really came down to China or A Act of Love.  Act of Love was a sure shot – eventually.  We would someday have an infant through that agency even if there was a lot of heartache and false-starts in the process.  China adoption meant special needs for sure, but we could pick which special needs we are open to!  We discovered that “special needs” in China means anything from serious medical problems to deafness or even a red birthmark or prematurity.  Almost anything can get you put on the “special needs” list.  Even some of the little ones on their “special focus” list, which is for harder-to-place and higher-needs children are all but perfect in my opinion!  The cost between Act of Love and China was about the same.  We decided to give China a shot, and if we did not meet the Chinese government didn’t accept our family’s qualifications, we would still have Act of Love to fall back on, and that was an option we could be happy with.  

During this debate, I looked at the only two China-focused agencies I could find: Great Wall China Adoptions and Chinese Children Adoption International (CCAI).  Both of them seem like very good agencies, but every family I knew that had adopted from China had worked with CCAI and had only the best, glowing reports about working with them.  There was a huge support network here.  Best of all: they were located IN Colorado, just one hour drive from our home.  They also run the only Chinese Cultural center in the country, and were the first Chinese Adoption agency in the US.  After talking to Joshua Zhong, director and founder of CCAI, and having all of our worried alleviated, it was settled:

We decided to adopt a special needs little girl from China through CCAI.

I called Hillary, the applications manager at CCAI, and she sent us the information packet right away.

Our packet arrived within days by mail with a packet about CCAI’s traditional China adoption program (healthy infant), another about the Waiting Child Program (special needs), forms for getting started, an application, schedule of orientation meetings, a DVD highlighting both the agency and their charitable arm that funds orphanages and cleft palate surgeries.  I poured over all of it until I had it nearly memorized.

I spent several days going over the Medical Conditions Checklist.  Because of my midwifery training, I was familiar with many of the defects and conditions that were listed on it, but I still had to look up some of them, like gastroschisis (rather shocking to see the first time), and strabismus.  After that, Lashi and I had to discuss each condition and whether it was something we thought we could (or should) deal with.  We had the options “Yes”, “No”, and “Maybe”.  We discovered that I was much more willing to say “yes” to conditions than Lashi was, but that came as no surprise.  We indicated on our sheet that we are particularly interested in a little girl 0-18 months with hearing loss of any degree.  

I spent so long on the process of filling out the sheet that we didn’t send it in for over a month.  Finally, I submitted both the Medical Conditions Checklist (MCC) and our Family Information Sheet online, which put us in the waiting pool for a child match.  

The very next day a little girl’s profile was posted to the Special Focus list on the website, meaning that she has languished in their waiting files for months with no MCCs that match their conditions.  Had I submitted our sheet earlier, she would have been matched to us.  She was a perfect little 9 month old with [I remove the specifics of her condition here just to be on the safe side of CCAI policy.  Needless to say, very minor conditions as far as we were concerned]– an absolute angel, gorgeous child.  I called Lashi, who was still very concerned about the amount of money that is due early in the process that we would not have saved up for several months yet.  I called my grandparents, Jim and Vera Spain, who very sweetly gave us a loan of $4,000 to get us started on the process.  I called Pam Rodriguez at CCAI, and requested the file for the little angel.  I was told that 20 other families had requested her before us, but we were put in the queue.  Pam said that sometimes the first family ends up adopting the child, and sometimes they go through dozens who all turn the match down.  I could hope, but it was slim. 

One week later, Little Angel was matched to her family.  It was bittersweet.  I was happy for her – the whole point is for the little ones to find their forever families.  But I mourned for the lost opportunity.  She would have been perfect for our family.  I can only trust that there is another little one out there who is the right match at the right time and is meant to be ours.  The other little girl I had been considering was also matched to her family.  [Again, removed her specifics.  She did require more therapy and medical attention, though.] 

Even though CCAI said that hearing loss is very seldom seen, we have seen two children just on the Special Focus list with hearing loss.  Maybe

 I never finished that thought back in September and I don't remember what I was going to say.  I was so focused on the possibility of having a deaf or hard-of-hearing child that I didn't give much thought to the other conditions we had indicated on our MCC.  Just goes to show - God often has different plans than we do and His turn out quite well.  

Albinism 101

Okay, to begin with, I feel that I still know VERY little about albinism.  However, seeing as we are going to have a little princess with albinism very soon, I'm doing my best to learn as much as I can and help my friends and family understand a little about it as well.

WHAT IS ALBINISM?
Many people think they don't know what albinism is because it's usually referred to as "being albino".  I however, feel that albinism is a condition, not an identity.  As much as I love blonde jokes, having blonde hair is a characteristic, not a defining attribute.  Same with many other characteristics or attributes or conditions we may have.
Albinism is a recessive genetic condition that affects vision and often gives the person little or no pigment in their eyes, skin and hair.  Some people with albinism, however, have very normal pigmentation for their ethnicity.
Xue appears to have oculocutaneous albinism, which is the more common type.  (The other is ocular, and affects almost exclusively males, and primarily impacts vision and eye pigmentation, not skin and hair pigmentation.)  Within oculocutaneous albinism (or OCA), there are several subtypes, which are linked to which gene and melanin-related enzyme is affected.  The stereotypical "albino" look, with completely white hair, pink-white skin, and depigmented eyes is usually indicative of OCA1A or "complete" albinism.  This is what Xue appears to have.  (In short, she will make her Viking siblings look downright swarthy.)

HOW COMMON IS ALBINISM?  

In the U.S., the rate of occurrence is about  1 in 17,000 people.  Albinism occurs worldwide, and the rate of occurrence in parts of Africa are somewhat higher.  If the rate in China is comparable to the U.S., then it stands to reason that there are a WHOLE LOT of people with albinism there.  There is a stigma associated with albinism in China, and some even consider it a curse or unlucky.  It generally makes life difficult for people with albinism. 
WILL SHE HAVE PINK EYES?
Nope!  Surprised?  Yeah, I thought that too.  I thought white skin and pink eyes were the definition of albinism!  Turns out no one has pink eyes.  People with albinism have blue, gray or violet-looking eyes, or if they have more pigment, they may have hazel or even brown!  "Depigmented irises" are actually blue!  Beautiful, gorgeous, crystal blue in fact.  :)  That's what my baby has.

So why does everyone say that people with albinism have pink (or red) eyes? 
Have you ever had "red eye" in photos?  That is caused by the light (usually from the flash) reflecting off of the blood in the choroid behind your retina.  Something similar happens in people with albinism.  The sclera ("whites") of the eyes have no pigment, nor does their iris, and when light hits their eyes at certain angles, a similar pink or red-effect occurs.  In normal light, you get to enjoy their beautiful baby blues (or whatever they are).

WILL SHE EVER BE ABLE TO GO OUTSIDE?
Absolutely.  Because of the lack of pigment in her skin, she is unable to tan and will burn quite easily and be at higher risk for skin cancer.  The solution?  Long clothing, hats, and LOTS of sunblock.  I think I'm going to have to find a brand of sunblock that we like and buy it by the gallon.  
Also, because her irises and sclera have no pigment, they let a LOT more light in than your eyes or mine do.  The result is that feeling you get when you turn the bathroom light on first thing in the morning.  TOO MUCH LIGHT!  In a great primer book on albinism put out by NOAH (more on NOAH later) called "Raising a Child With Albinism", they describe it this way: 

"Imagine the brightness of a floodlight that's always on, or the sensation of coming out of a dark movie theater on a sunny day - that is what it's like for someone with albinism."

So, sunglasses.  LOTS of sunglasses.  A family with several children with albinism suggested just having a drawer full of sunglasses.  Inevitably, the little one is going to lose this pair, sit on that pair, get in a fight with a brother and break the other pair, and still will need some to go outside.  She will probably end up with prescription sunglasses when she is older, but we'll take that as it comes. 

One "bright spot" here (oh, punny...) - our living room is always dark.  Even when the sun is shining, it just doesn't have the kind of light that we'd like.  When we were anticipating being matched with a child with hearing loss, we thought that would be a project: getting better lighting in the front room.  Turns out it's just perfect!  I love good news.

WHAT KIND OF TREATMENT(S) WILL SHE NEED?

Because albinism is a visual condition, she will need to see eye doctors more frequently than the average bear.  She will need sun protection.  Other than that, time will tell.  Many people with albinism use special adaptive technologies to help their functional vision.  Many children with albinism use occupational therapy.  Some need braille or use it in conjunction with print.  

In short: We'll see.

SO, OTHERWISE SHE'S HEALTHY, RIGHT?

We believe so.  There is a rare condition called Hermansky-Pudlak Syndrome that causes lung, bowel and other problems.  According to her medical records, she does not have a history of bruising or bleeding, which are common first symptoms of HPS.  

If anyone has other questions, I may have just not thought of them yet.  Please ask and I'll try to find out the answers.  I would like to be as prepared as I can before my little Snow Angel gets here.

In closing, the best resource I have found for information about albinism is the NOAH website.  (National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation).  They have forums, resource lists, and pages for people with albinism and people who just need to write a paper about albinism.  I found that amusing and helpful.

"Super Mom"

I struggle with the term "Super Mom".  I am frequently accused of being one, and yet I don't think they exist.

Why do people call me "Super Mom"?  I don't have any super-human powers.  If I did, I would like to have Elastigirl's super stretchy ability.  I could grab that other book from that other room, stir the whatever-I'm-cooking, confiscate a toy that the kids are fighting over downstairs, or better yet, smack that kid who just tormented his little brother AGAIN!

Actually, my super-human dream is to be Molly Weasley.  I just love her! 

I saw a shirt that said, "Sticks and stones may break your bones, but Mrs. Weasley's glare will liquify your kidneys."  Who wouldn't want that power?  Plus, she is rockin' the red hair and she has a flock of boys with one little girl.  Yeah, kind of like someone else I know...

That's me... oh yeah.


Anywho, I think the title of "Super Mom", with all its baggage is thrown at any woman who has at least one child and any interest outside of exclusive focus on said child and their bowel habits.  The problem with that is that "Super Mom" implies all sorts of things that a woman doesn't need to hear:

• You must always be happy and on top of things.  Super Moms are never frustrated, sad, or tired.
• Your kids must never misbehave (or you will lose your "Super" status if they do)
• You have no problems in your relationships. 
• You are full of talent - which means (obviously) that there is nothing you can not do.  
• You know everything.
• EVERY day is productive.

We women already have enormous expectations of ourselves, and engage in unfair comparisons to others (ie- our weaknesses against their strengths).  Adding these implied expectations of a "Super Mom" means that Mom is NEVER going to feel equal to the task.  There is always that feeling of failure.  Whenever someone calls me "Super Mom", all I can think of is when I screamed myself hoarse at the kids for making us late for school, that I forgot about dinner until it was too late for anything but spaghetti or worse: popcorn.  I think about the stack of Christmas decoration bins and to-be-filed books and paperwork that are taking up my half of the bedroom, or that my husband has been feeling particularly neglected lately.  I think about the tantrum my 4 yr old threw at church that was so bad we were asked to leave the building because no one could hear.  I think about the fact that I haven't even entered my laundry room let alone DONE any laundry for almost 2 months.  (I have a wonderful man... otherwise we would never have clean socks.) 

So at the end of the day, who lives up to the "Super Mom" title?  By the definitions we give it and assume we are expected to live by, no one does!  We are all flawed human beings, both capable and incapable of many things.  We are tender at times and harsh at others.  We have our "on top of it" days and the days when we look up from Facebook only to find that it's time to pick up the kids from school and make dinner.  Where does the time go?  We are passionate lovers, and so neglectful of our husbands that they seriously consider monastery life.  We are all of these and more!

In fact, as I am writing this (at my doctor's office, getting a physical for our upcoming adoption of a special-needs toddler - because I'm "SO awesome"), my husband just texted me to say that our 4 yr old, who was playing with his siblings in the snow, got left outside, couldn't open the door, and was hysterically crying because he thought he would have to stay out there forever and freeze to death.

Do the things I do right make me a great mom?  
Do the things I do wrong make me a bad mom?

Let's make a deal: I'll wear the cape if you promise to accept that you (and I, and every other flesh-and-blood mother, INCLUDING Molly Weasley) is deeply flawed AND wonderful.

Don't you have enough kids already?

So, WHY, when we already have five healthy, home-baked children, with not even a breath of infertility, are we considering adoption?  As one friend so delicately put it: "Aren't you two, like, baby-making machines?"  Or as others have said, "Haven't you had enough already?"  Way to be to-the-point.  Most people just swallow their shock, surprise (or perhaps occasionally disgust) and say, "Well, bless your little heart!"  Aw, thanks.

But really, WHY?  We have everything we need, everything we wanted, we have our "hands full" as I hear on every grocery trip.  Why adoption?

Simply put: ...nevermind, it's not simple.  But it comes down to a couple key factors.

First: You could say that we planned this before we planned our wedding.  The details were not what they are now, but the idea was firmly planted 12 years ago.  (This isn't making me sound less crazy, is it?)  The bottom line is - we were told that we probably would never be able to have children.  I have endometriosis, which aside from being a royal pain during menstrual cycles, often prevents or complicates pregnancies, decreasing fertility in some and increasing risk of miscarriage in others - or both.  There was a very real possibility that we would face serious infertility issues.  Needless to say, the issue never came to fruition, but before we knew that, we had decided that if it came down to it, we were both very much in favor of the idea of adopting our children.  I guess it's an idea that couldn't be put to rest simply because it wasn't "necessary" for us to build our family.

Second: Everyone but me thinks that I have a hard time with pregnancy.  I think what it really is is that they have to deal.with.me. and THAT is difficult.  Morning sickness is no picnic, but I've never had it that bad for that long.  The crushing fatigue of the first couple months certainly takes its toll on the family.  If I wake up by 7am, we're lucky, but I'm ready for a nap by 8:15am.  NOT the best thing for a mom with little kids at home (or her poor husband who suddenly has to take on WAY more of the housework and wonder IF there will be dinner - and no, he's not allowed to cook and you'd know why if you let him.)  The biggest physical issues with pregnancy are my joints.  I must produce enough relaxin to supply a whole army of preggo mommies.  My pelvis loosened so much during my 3rd and 4th pregnancies that the symphasis (the part where the two halves of the pelvic structure meet and are supposed to be interlocked) actually separated!  I functionally was walking on a pelvic fracture.  NOT FUN!  Huge pain, and some days I couldn't move.  Thank God forever for Dr. John Davis at Atlas Chiropractic!  I saw him regularly during my 5th pregnancy and didn't have any hip or pelvic discomfort until about 35 weeks!  If I hadn't fallen down the stairs at 7 months, I could have just about called it a "pain-free pregnancy".  Alas, because this is an issue, several people close to me, including my mother and husband, feel that another pregnancy is just inviting mobility issues and the potential of permanent joint damage.  (My husband adds: "I think you are much more easily damaged during pregnancy than you are letting on here." Like I said, no matter what I think, HE's the one who has to deal with me.)

Third: it's traditional!  There are more adopted people in my family than home-baked people.  I am second-generation adopted, along with my two brothers and sister.  My mother and her sisters are adopted as well.  Any little person adopted into my family will be third generation, with plenty of support and understanding.  We make such a fascinating nature/nurture case study.

Fourth: we're ready for it.  We already have experience with children, including children with difficult conditions.  Because of this, we feel prepared to adopt a special-needs child.  What does this mean?  From China, "special needs" could mean anything from a strawberry birthmark (which is considered unlucky) to gastroschisis, a condition in which a large part of the digestive system hangs on the outside of the baby's body through the belly button.  40% of the special-needs children abandoned in China have cleft lip and palate.  This is surgically correctable and many prospective adoptive parents are fine with accepting a child with this condition.  We are open to several conditions, but specifically interested in a child with a hearing impairment (from mild hearing loss to complete deafness).  Only about 3% of the children needing adoptive families in China have hearing loss, but they are harder to place because unlike cleft palate or club foot or even a heart defect, hearing loss is not correctable by surgery; it is a lifelong condition.  For our family, though, it's not a huge deal.  We have many friends and associates who have some degree of hearing loss, from moderate to profound.  Every member of our family uses some sign language.  I myself have been serving as a volunteer interpreter for the deaf at our church for nearly 8 years.  I'm not awesome, but I'm functional.  Hearing loss is not a foreign or frightening thing for our family.


Finally, WHY NOT???  We are a loving family with the means to support ourselves, and we want to bring in and raise a child who is already out there who does NOT have the benefit of that kind of family.  I don't see a reason not to adopt.

Do we have enough kids?  Well yes, we could be (and are) very happy with who we have already been blessed with... but I don't know that you can ever really share your love and life "enough".