Snow has a new name!

So far, she's been known as:

• Dang Xue
• Xue
• Mei-Mei
• Snow
• The Little One
• ...and on, and on

 But now, we are pleased to announce that we have actually decided on a name for this child!

Her name will be:

FIONA XUELAN DODGE

So, yay!  We actually managed to name another child without resorting to pistols at dawn.  

As always, we picked a name with a great deal of significance for us.  

Fiona is an Irish name that means "fair" or "white".  You just don't get whiter than this little girl, so it's very appropriate.  

Now, before I go any further, let me get one thing out of the way:

Think more of this...

Less of this...

  The name Fiona also fits in well in a couple other ways.  We have an alphabet thing going on with the kids' names (and by "we", I mean Lashi).  We are on "F" now.  More importantly though (in my opinion) is that all of the adopted children in my family get Irish names, regardless of our ethnic background.  Hence, I am a French Erin Colleen (my name literally means "Irish Girl").  

XueLan (pronounced "Shway-lahn") was a fun one to come up with.  Her given name (given by the orphanage) is Dang Xue.  Dang is, as we understand it, the surname given to all of the children in that orphanage.  Xue means "snow" and is a very popular name for children with albinism.  The other popular name for Chinese kids with albinism is Bai ("white").  We wanted Xue to be part of her name - both because it's so apt and because we want her to keep part of her old life in her new life.  

We used Lashi's Chinese dictionary app and looked up meanings of words that we thought might go nicely with "Snow".  Blossom, flower, jade, pearl, etc.  We were looking for a name whose meaning suggested her beauty and worth.  She's our little white flower, and more precious than jade.  Some words in Chinese had a good meaning but just didn't sound good with Xue or sounded too close to English words that had a less-than-elegant meaning. (think "doo" or "fang" and so on)

So, we picked our favorite, the one that sounded the best to our American ears and had a meaning that we like.  XueLan - Snow Orchid.  

Beautiful, Snow-white Orchids

Interestingly enough, I was looking at my wedding album, and it turns out I carried white orchids in my bouquet. 

See ^^ White roses, WHITE ORCHIDS, and... those other little white flowers.  Dunno, kissing Lashi - can't talk flowers.

So, there you have it.  Fiona XueLan Dodge. 

Also, we looked up the characters for Xue and Lan and confirmed them with a sweet gal at CCAI, just to be sure.  She sent us a copy of them in 3 "fonts". 

So this says (reading each line left to right): Snow Orchid, Snow Orchid, Snow Orchid :)

Now all we have to do is get her home and teach her her new name.  :)  Oh adventures!

Updated pictures of Xue!

This morning, we got two new pictures of our little princess.

Oh my goodness, she has hair!!!  It's so bright the poor little one can't open her eyes at all.

Looking down probably helps with the brightness.  Look at her little nose! Her chin!  Her chunky cheeks!!! 

I can't wait to meet this little girl.  That's my baby!!!

I have no idea, but would venture a guess that the woman behind her is her foster mother and that this is her home. 

We sent off the dossier paperwork to CCAI today, so things will continue moving along.

UPDATE: APRIL 25 - They also sent us an actual update from the orphanage that oversees her foster home.  They said she sits alone and stands with support, but does not crawl or stand alone.   So, even though she's getting so big, she will still be a baby in many ways.  That's okay.  She's my baby and we'll get her caught up.  :) 

Mom was right. Indexing is actually FUN.

Last night I completed my 10th batch of names (over 300 names total) through Family Search.  I did one war volunteer card, but most of my work has been on the 1940 Census.  It has been incredible.

My father-in-law has done professional genealogy work and frequently speaks at family history events.  My mother-in-law called and told us about the Census going online weeks before it happened.  She suggested that all of the siblings' families dedicate an evening to indexing and teaching her 16 grandchildren about indexing and family history work.  She said, "It will be so much fun!"

*blink blink*

Yeah, mom...  "Fun".

I understand that indexing, records and family history are important, and that it can be quite exciting when you find something new, but indexing records FUN???  That's a bit of a stretch.  Lashi and I actually had a good chuckle over that.

So, the night before we were supposed to have this "Family Indexing Fun Night", we set up our accounts, watched the "getting started" video, and tried out a couple small items.  We learned a couple things that night:

1. Indexing is easy - There is an image from a census sheet, you look at the info (which is highlighted in blue) and type it into the little box below.  Basically, you create a digital spreadsheet from a hand-written spreadsheet.  It's just data entry.  SIMPLE!  However....
2. Some people's handwriting sucks - There really should have been some kind of qualifying handwriting exam for the census takers.  I did one sheet yesterday where the "F" for "female" looked like a "2" or perhaps a "Q" with lots of character.  That one I figured out, as there are only two options in the gender column: M for male and F for female.  For names, places, etc. that are undecipherable, they have a wonderful quick-key.  type <ctrl u> and it will mark that particular entry as "unreadable".  OR, if you see a name and can't tell if it's "Anne" or "Anna", then you can enter it as "Ann*".  That will throw a flag for the arbitrators, who will do their darndest and make a decision.  If someone's handwriting is just so absolutely terrible that you don't want to deal with trying to decipher it, you can return the batch for someone else to do and move on to someone more legible. 
3. Indexing is always fascinating - It's like snooping into someone's neighborhood.  Once we learned what all the columns meant (even the ones that do not get recorded in the indexing), we discovered we could see who lives next door to whom, who is living at their house, interesting relationships and age differences, how much they pay per month for their home or farm, how much education they have...  I was amazed at how many of the adults had only as much schooling as my own children.  4th or 5th grade.  Some have NONE at all!  I found a family the other day where the husband had only an 8th grade education, but his wife had 4 years of college.  Very unusual.  We found 17 year olds married to 38 year olds with toddlers.  
4. Fascinating quickly becomes real, genuine, actual FUN - I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed this.  I download a couple batches in the evening so that I can work on them when I get a free moment.  I index while my adoption paperwork is printing.  I index while I'm sitting in the car waiting for my kids to get out of school.  I index when I've put someone cranky in their room and need a moment of peace.  It has replaced my video games, YouTube, and old episodes of "Hoarders". 

Other pieces of advice and interesting things we've found:

• If you see an "M" for married that is crossed out and it looks like there is a "7" written next to it, you're absolutely right.  Someone came up with that as a code for "married with absent spouse".  Yeah, would have been nice to know that upfront.
• If a county or city name is unreadable, use our wonderful modern internet.  I had one that said "Van@^*&#@".  Could have been any number of things.  I Googled "Counties in Indiana" and found a list of all the counties.  Among them was "Vanderburgh".  I double-checked it against what was written in the Census, and it became very clear that that's what it was.  I also had what looked like "Vew Beach" in Indian River County, Florida.  I looked at a map of Indian River County and found a "Vero Beach".  Looking back at the ambiguous handwriting, that's exactly what it had been.  The internet is a wonderful thing.
• Some things will just dumbfound you.  Yesterday's indexing included a line that said, "Here ends the negro neighborhood which is bordered on the north."  Wow.  In 2012, you just don't see things like that written our records. 
• Adoption was not what it is now.  I know that from my own family records, but I saw a case of it this week.  There was a 33 year old widowed lady living with her widowed father, listed as "adopted daughter".  Not daughter, "adopted daughter".  Of course, she's listed with her married name, but if her case was like my great-grandfather, she never took on her adoptive parents' name or really integrated as a family member.  Again, different from today.

So, more as I continue, but I challenge and welcome and encourage everyone to give it a try.  Go to www.familysearch.org, create an account, download the free program and make even a one-document contribution to this great work.  You will be surprised by how much you enjoy it.   You may even find a piece of your own history as you do so.

Should have put this up in September...

*This is a "process so far" entry that I wrote in September, WAY before our home study, dossier, match with our beautiful girl, etc.  It's more detailed than my overwhelmed memory is right now, and I had happy reminiscences while reading it. Enjoy.*

 

Our adoption process really began in earnest shortly after I started my midwifery training.  I am currently doing the academic portion of my midwifery training through Midwife to Be, an online/correspondence program headed by Lisa Aman, CPM.  Midwife to Be, or MTB, participates in mission trips to the Dominican Republic several times a year to both get more hands-on experience with births and to provide needed equipment to the Dominican nurses and midwives.  

After Lisa’s church returned from a mission trip to Uganda, she started working on setting up a midwifery-mission trip there.  The minister’s wife whom they worked with is a midwife at a hospital that delivers 20-30 babies every day.  It is also located near an orphanage run by the couple that serves over 600 orphans.  She said if people were interested in adopting one of the orphans from Uganda, there would be opportunity to pursue that.  

*PERK*  

Adoption?  We’ve always wanted to do that.  There was one problem, however: I could be interested all I want, but I’m only HALF of the parents in this family.  What would Lashi say?  I figured he’d say what he usually says about my great new ideas: no.  Usually, he’s right.  If left unchecked, I’d not only bring home half of the Ugandan orphan population, but I’d also start 3 new businesses, buy a farm and a herd of milk cows and run for office all at the same time, while learning to speak Arabic.  

 Can we say burnout?  

So, I took a deep breath and told him about the trip and the hospital, the birth opportunities, the orphanage and all the little kids – probably very fast and all in one breath, but I can’t remember – and then I waited for his response.  He took his own deep breath, looked me in the eyes very seriously and said, using his finger for emphasis, “You are allowed to bring home ONE child.  Do not even look at twins, sibling groups, anything.  I know they’re cute, but I don’t care how cute they are.  ONE CHILD!”  

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing!  He was ready to take the step and go for it without a big to-do.  I couldn’t even get him to do things he really wanted to without at least some hemming and hawing.

I got to work searching out Ugandan adoption requirements.  Turns out, there were several major problems.  One was the residency requirement.  Though they “sometimes make exceptions”, the Ugandan government requires a 3-6 month residency for foreign couples wishing to adopt a Ugandan child.  We couldn’t move the whole family to Africa for that long.  Lashi has work, the kids have school.  If we left them here, who would take care of them for that long?  Would I be travelling alone?  No, that looked like a problem.  Bigger yet, though, was that I found that many of the children in the orphanages are not true orphans, but children from poor families who cannot care for them, but visit frequently.  I don’t think it would be right under those circumstances to remove them from their family and culture.  There were many other “variables”, such as the time a visa might take, if the child we’re working to adopt becomes “qualified” at the right times, if the US would allow them in, etc.  Too many “ifs”.  

I looked at intercountry adoption in general, using the State Department website and calling all of the adoption agencies in town to get as much information as possible.  I filled quite a few pages in a notebook and printed numerous charts and lists of requirements.  

Many countries had residency requirements that we just could not comply with.

Many others had limits on the number of children allowed in the family.

Even more had wait times that were 3-5 years or longer!

In the end, the countries that “fit”, meaning they were willing to deal with us and we were willing to deal with them were: Russia, China and Ethiopia.  

Both Russia and Ethiopia were fairly stable, but had had some diplomatic issues in the past.  Both required two trips to the country.  Ethiopia has rampant AIDS, and although the children have to test negative before leaving the country, not all cases are caught.  Russia has a higher rate of children with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) after placement.

China looked like a long shot.  The income requirements looked very high: $10,000 per year per family member, including the child to be adopted.  That’s quite a bit if you’re a large family.  Second, the family has to have a net worth of $80,000 or more to qualify.  I was just counting up our liquid assets, and it doesn’t come close.  That worried me.  Third, they disqualify anyone who has had a history of depression.  I was on medication at the time for postpartum depression.  I thought that would disqualify us.   

Turns out I was worried for nothing.  Income includes the benefits package (health insurance, vacation time, etc.) which more than took care of that qualification.  Net worth includes a lot more than I thought: our home’s appraised value, our contents value (based on the insured amount), and more!  Finally, postpartum depression is not a mental illness - which is what China frowns on – it is a situational stress from a temporary hormonal state.  I was also ready to wean off of my medication (as the youngest had weaned from breastfeeding a couple months before), so that was not an issue.  

 Hooray!

Another issue with China is that because we have more than four children, we are allowed to adopt only a special needs child.  Uh-oh! Two of my siblings are “special needs”, did NOT want to deal with that!

Lashi, wanting to make sure we had checked all of our options off of the list, asked me to check out a couple other options first.

What about domestic adoption?  There are tons of children in the foster system that need adoptive homes.  What about them?  I called Denver county, because my mother said they had been so good to work with during my sister’s adoption.  They were very kind and friendly, but the story was clear: all of the children available through the county systems have serious issues from abuse, neglect, drug exposure, severe medical needs, or a combination of those.  At this point in our lives, we cannot risk the well-being of our other children on such a risky situation.  I know lots of kids that were adopted through the system, and their stories are not pretty, their adjustments are not pretty, and many of them never are able to recover from their past.  We just can’t go there.  

What about domestic infant adoption?  We actually had one agency that thought we could get an infant within a couple years: A Act of Love.  (Terrible, un-grammatical name, but I digress…)  They were also very kind, optimistic, and good to work with.  However, they said that about 7-10% of their birth mothers back out of the adoption AFTER the birth of the baby.  That’s a pretty high risk.  Also, quite a few babies are still special needs or drug exposed.

So, the choice really came down to China or A Act of Love.  Act of Love was a sure shot – eventually.  We would someday have an infant through that agency even if there was a lot of heartache and false-starts in the process.  China adoption meant special needs for sure, but we could pick which special needs we are open to!  We discovered that “special needs” in China means anything from serious medical problems to deafness or even a red birthmark or prematurity.  Almost anything can get you put on the “special needs” list.  Even some of the little ones on their “special focus” list, which is for harder-to-place and higher-needs children are all but perfect in my opinion!  The cost between Act of Love and China was about the same.  We decided to give China a shot, and if we did not meet the Chinese government didn’t accept our family’s qualifications, we would still have Act of Love to fall back on, and that was an option we could be happy with.  

During this debate, I looked at the only two China-focused agencies I could find: Great Wall China Adoptions and Chinese Children Adoption International (CCAI).  Both of them seem like very good agencies, but every family I knew that had adopted from China had worked with CCAI and had only the best, glowing reports about working with them.  There was a huge support network here.  Best of all: they were located IN Colorado, just one hour drive from our home.  They also run the only Chinese Cultural center in the country, and were the first Chinese Adoption agency in the US.  After talking to Joshua Zhong, director and founder of CCAI, and having all of our worried alleviated, it was settled:

We decided to adopt a special needs little girl from China through CCAI.

I called Hillary, the applications manager at CCAI, and she sent us the information packet right away.

Our packet arrived within days by mail with a packet about CCAI’s traditional China adoption program (healthy infant), another about the Waiting Child Program (special needs), forms for getting started, an application, schedule of orientation meetings, a DVD highlighting both the agency and their charitable arm that funds orphanages and cleft palate surgeries.  I poured over all of it until I had it nearly memorized.

I spent several days going over the Medical Conditions Checklist.  Because of my midwifery training, I was familiar with many of the defects and conditions that were listed on it, but I still had to look up some of them, like gastroschisis (rather shocking to see the first time), and strabismus.  After that, Lashi and I had to discuss each condition and whether it was something we thought we could (or should) deal with.  We had the options “Yes”, “No”, and “Maybe”.  We discovered that I was much more willing to say “yes” to conditions than Lashi was, but that came as no surprise.  We indicated on our sheet that we are particularly interested in a little girl 0-18 months with hearing loss of any degree.  

I spent so long on the process of filling out the sheet that we didn’t send it in for over a month.  Finally, I submitted both the Medical Conditions Checklist (MCC) and our Family Information Sheet online, which put us in the waiting pool for a child match.  

The very next day a little girl’s profile was posted to the Special Focus list on the website, meaning that she has languished in their waiting files for months with no MCCs that match their conditions.  Had I submitted our sheet earlier, she would have been matched to us.  She was a perfect little 9 month old with [I remove the specifics of her condition here just to be on the safe side of CCAI policy.  Needless to say, very minor conditions as far as we were concerned]– an absolute angel, gorgeous child.  I called Lashi, who was still very concerned about the amount of money that is due early in the process that we would not have saved up for several months yet.  I called my grandparents, Jim and Vera Spain, who very sweetly gave us a loan of $4,000 to get us started on the process.  I called Pam Rodriguez at CCAI, and requested the file for the little angel.  I was told that 20 other families had requested her before us, but we were put in the queue.  Pam said that sometimes the first family ends up adopting the child, and sometimes they go through dozens who all turn the match down.  I could hope, but it was slim. 

One week later, Little Angel was matched to her family.  It was bittersweet.  I was happy for her – the whole point is for the little ones to find their forever families.  But I mourned for the lost opportunity.  She would have been perfect for our family.  I can only trust that there is another little one out there who is the right match at the right time and is meant to be ours.  The other little girl I had been considering was also matched to her family.  [Again, removed her specifics.  She did require more therapy and medical attention, though.] 

Even though CCAI said that hearing loss is very seldom seen, we have seen two children just on the Special Focus list with hearing loss.  Maybe

 I never finished that thought back in September and I don't remember what I was going to say.  I was so focused on the possibility of having a deaf or hard-of-hearing child that I didn't give much thought to the other conditions we had indicated on our MCC.  Just goes to show - God often has different plans than we do and His turn out quite well.  

The Adoption Process so far

Few people are familiar with the process of adopting a child through any means, and the process for those who have done so domestically, or internationally (even from China) through a traditional program is still different from the China Waiting Child program through which we are adopting Xue.

Here's what's happened so far:

Over the summer of 2011, I did lots of research and we made the decision to adopt from China through the waiting child program at CCAI.

Medical Conditions Checklist
In August, we submitted our "Medical Conditions Checklist".  Basically, this is a form with a long list of medical conditions commonly (or relatively commonly) seen in children in China's waiting child program.  You go through the list, learn about conditions that you are unfamiliar with, and check "yes" "no" or "maybe" for each.  Some examples are: cleft lip and palate, club foot (one or both), scars/burns, hepatitis B, hearing loss, albinism and low vision, missing/extra fingers/toes, spina bifida, various heart conditions, paralysis, hernia, gastroschisis, genital malformations, etc.  If you want to see the list or look into adopting a waiting child, HERE it is.
Because of my studies in preparation to become a midwife, I was already familiar with most of these conditions, but we did some extra study and discussed them together.  One of our parent training teachers said at CCAI is that almost always one parent is more gung-ho than the other, or as Lashi and I say it, "He is the anchor, I am the motor."  You really need both to get somewhere safely.

Because we try to be very deliberate and careful with our finances and planning, we made a spreadsheet listing out costs and the timeline in which we could actually pay for the adoption.  We knew that there are financial helps available, but wanted to be able to pay the whole of it if we are not able to qualify for any of those.  My grandparents very generously gave us a loan to cover the homestudy and get us started.

In late December 2011, we submitted our formal application to CCAI and attended an orientation class at their headquarters in South Denver (on S. Holly Circle). 

THE HOMESTUDY
In January and February 2012, we completed our homestudy with our social worker, Lisa Staab.  We filled out extensive questionnaires that covered everything from our relationship with our mother to discipline to our sex life and more.  I would not have been surprised to have needed to record the color of my poo for a month, but that was not one of the questions.  At least we know they are thorough.  When we had completed those, Lisa came to our home and toured it, making sure that it was safe and of adequate size to support another child.  She interviewed Lashi and I together and separately, as well as talking to each of the children.  It's one of those moments that makes a parent hold their breath with nervousness, but the children were themselves and they did fine.  Liam told her about sea urchins and said that he's fine having another sister, except that she'll be "another human to deal with".  Antigone explained our chore chart, Brian said he gets in trouble because he gets "sucked into the TV", Dmitri roared at her and told her about Spinosaurus, and Erik refused to look at her.  Yup, those are my kids!  :)
The home study also includes the clearances from our child abuse records search, letters of reference from friends, letters of recommendation from the children's teachers, financial records, and medical exam reports from our doctors. 

In February we also began collecting and producing the various documents that are needed in our dossier to send to China.

THE MATCH!
Here's where our process differs from so many other processes.  On February 16, I got a call from CCAI asking if we wanted to review Xue's file.  She was designated as a "Special Focus" waiting child and her file was sent to CCAI (as opposed to the shared list, which is viewed by several agencies at once).  We had said "maybe" for albinism on our Medical Conditions Checklist, not really giving the condition a whole lot of thought.  We reviewed her file, looked at her pictures, did internet searches about albinism and talked to a couple doctors, then decided that this would be a good match.  We sent a Letter of Intent (LOI) to China, and were sent a pre-acceptance letter back.  Her file was pulled from the available waiting child pool and is being "reserved" for us until we officially get our Letter of Acceptance (LOA) from China after our dossier is done.

THE DOSSIER
The dossier is the packet of authenticated paperwork that represents us to the Chinese Government. 
It includes formal documents such as our birth certificates, and homemade documents such as our pictures, financial statement, and petition to adopt. There's a lot more, but that's a sample.
EVERYTHING in the dossier has to be notarized, then sent to the Secretary of State of the state in which it was produced, then sent to the Chinese Consulate that oversees that state.  So, because I was born in Oregon and Lashi in Washington, our birth certificates are now in San Francisco getting "sealed" by the Chinese Consulate, while our marriage certificate and all other documents (produced in Colorado) are in Chicago at that consulate.  When those come back, our dossier will be almost done, except for...

POLICE CLEARANCES AND IMMIGRATION
Oh boy, this is an adventure unto itself.  First, we went and got fingerprinted at our local police station.  I will post separately about THAT experience.  Those prints are run through the CBI (Colorado Bureau of Investigation).  When they came back clear (finally), the prints were sent on to the FBI to be checked at the federal level.  That took another month.
Once our police clearances came back, we filled out and sent in our I-800A form (to determine our suitability to adopt from a Hague convention country) to USCIS (immigration services).  They first go over our info, then they will send us instructions (in a few weeks here, we hope) to get a second set of fingerprints done at the state fingerprinting office in Aurora (near Denver).  Hopefully that will be less "exciting" than the first fingerprinting trip.  Those prints then go BACK to the FBI for their own round of checks.  Because... the first ones didn't count?  or maybe our fingers have changed?  perhaps we're in the midst of a crime spree?  Whatever.  Let's just get this thing done. 

WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW
Our I-800A is being processed at USCIS.  We have not yet gotten the fingerprint appointment or cards.
Our dossier is almost done.  Our documents are being sealed at the consulates.  I need to fax over additional paperwork today to the San Francisco consulate. 

WHAT'S NEXT?
When our I-797C comes back (the approval of our I-800A), that gets sealed at the consulate, then the whole dossier goes to CCAI.  They will go over it several times, making sure everything is in order.  When it gets the "all clear", it will be compiled and bound in a red folder (one BIG folder...) and mailed off to China.  THEN, it will take a couple months to translate the whole thing into Mandarin.
Then we should get our approval letter (LOA).  After that, visa and travel arrangements.
Currently, the estimate is that we will be traveling to bring our little girl home between October and December 2012.

Meet our little princess, Snow!

Now that we have received our pre-approval to adopt our little one from China, we are now allowed to talk about her online.  


No longer do we need to speak vaguely about our beautiful princess, using code names like "Snow White".  We can now use her real name!  So without further ado, meet... Snow!!!  Her name, Xue, literally means Snow.  Why?  Because she is the "fairest of them all".  

Snow in December 2011 - 11 months old.   Check out the booties that are bigger than her head!

Snow is albino.  She is the whitest Chinese girl you'll ever see.  Rosy pink-white skin, platinum white hair that sticks straight out from her beautiful little head.  She's a little porcelain angel!  She also has low vision, which we will be checking out with a pediatric eye specialist as soon as she gets home and somewhat settled.

As soon as we heard that CCAI had an albino baby's profile for us, we did what anyone would do: we Googled "Chinese albino girl".  We were pleasantly surprised to find a wealth of examples, mostly due to the successful modeling career of Connie Chiu.  

Hong Kong born fashion model Connie Chiu

Snow just turned one year old in February.  We are hoping to get her home by this fall.  Ideally, if our clearances would come through faster, we COULD (with lots of logistical and financial miracles) travel to get her in August.  I'm not holding my breath, but I AM praying.  I would like to enlist the prayers of all of you praying people to help us get our baby home soon. 

Now, for a little FAQ, punctuated by pictures of my beautiful little daughter:

Where is she?
She is living with a foster family in Nanying, Henan province, China.  Where is that?  If you draw a line between Shanghai (on the coast) and the ancient capital of Xian, Nanying is about 3/4 of the way to Xian.

Are her eyes pink?
Well, we have no idea.  She is very sensitive to light, so she doesn't open her eyes far.

Pretty Snow at 6 months old

Turns out, most albinos actually have blue eyes, not pink.  We'll just have to wait until we meet her to find out.

No, she's not bald.  That fuzzy halo IS her hair.

There is more, but I have to run now.  If you have questions, leave them in comments below.

*happy mommy dance*

Talking to Your Child About Adoption: Perspectives from an adoptee who is becoming an adoptive mother

"How do I tell my child that s/he is adopted?"

That is a very common question in the trainings, books and articles about adoption.  To me, the question was puzzling.  Not puzzling as in, "Yeah, how would I tell my child she's adopted?"  More like, "Why the heck would someone ask a stupid question like that?"

Honestly, that was my first reaction - and not a very fair one.  Unlike most adoptive parents, I am an adoptee myself.  In fact, my brothers, sister, mother, aunts, and now a nephew, ALL adopted.

Talking about adoption has been part of my family since 1952 when my grandparents adopted my mother and scandalized their social circles by admitting it in front of the child!  Heaven forbid!  In 1952, mothers went so far as to pad maternity clothes in order to fake having given birth to the child themselves.

"Let's just hope no one tries to pat my padded belly or I'll have to kill them... hehe."

My mother had "ILLEGITIMATE" stamped in big, red letters on her birth certificate.  

My grandparents, for all their faults, were admirably forward-thinking about adoption for their day.  They never hid my mother's story from her - they told her from the beginning that she was "Mommy and Daddy's little adopted girl".  Their friends and associates were shocked.  "How could you tell a child something awful like that!"

"You're not supposed to tell her that until you're on your deathbed!!!"

From the legacy of my grandparents attitude, my mother had confidence in her own history and identity, and she and my father passed the same openness and confidence on to me and later, to my siblings.

Of course, to be fair, there really are different types of adoption and different ways to approach a child's back story.  The articles about how to talk to your child about adoption seem to take a one-size-fits-all approach that appears to be based off of standard voluntary-relinquishment domestic infant adoption.

One thing I feel is across-the-board important: make sure your child knows FROM DAY ONE that he or she is adopted.  It's part of his or her story.  No one is benefited by putting that off or pretending otherwise.  Make or buy the child a baby book or life book with their own story.  There are tons of options for pre-made or DIY books.

After that point, however, things get a little fuzzier.  What do you tell the child and when?  Well, that depends on the child, it depends on his or her story, and what the child feels about it.  I will use mostly my own family's experiences as examples, because I don't know anyone else's family's personal experiences.

My oldest little brother and I were adopted as infants in very similar circumstances.  I always knew more about my own origins than my brother did for one simple reason: I wanted to know, he did not.  He was content to know that while he was born of another woman's body, this is his family, period.  He did not ask for more and to this day is not interested in more.  Our mother was quite similar to my brother. 

I was different.  I wanted to fill in every bit of blank space in my story.  I wanted to know about my parents' fertility struggle, what my birth parents' hair was like, what they were studying in school, how long my labor was, who were my foster parents, what were Mom and Dad's first reactions to me and the entire legal process. My parents told me exactly what I asked, striking a beautiful balance of honestly answering my questions to the best of their knowledge, employing "We just don't know" at appropriate times, and not giving too much information.  Even as a little child, I knew quite a bit about my early history, but they did withhold my birth parents' names until I was an adult, and I think that was a wise decision. 

My younger brother had a very traumatic past and was adopted older - at about age 5 - when he came to our family.  He knows he was adopted, he has never had any information held back from him, but he wants nothing to do with it.  His name was changed - twice in fact (by the foster family and then by us) - because if he even heard his original name he would have severe reactions.  Giving him more information about his adoption or life previous to it does him no good, and likely would do him hurt.  Is that true of all abused children?  No way, but it is for this particular child.

My sister also had a traumatic past and was likewise adopted at almost age 5.  As a child, she did ask more questions than my brother did, but on the other hand, she requested to have her name changed.  For several years during her teens, she didn't ask any more questions about her past but instead focused on rebuilding her life and identity in her current surroundings: attachment, security, cognitive development, etc.  She is now nearing adulthood.  I anticipate that in the coming years she will be more curious about her past than our younger brother, that she will want some of her blanks filled in.

Our adoption will be different yet again.  Mei-Mei will have a different story, different circumstances, but she will need the same things: security, attachment, a sense both of who she is and who she was.

A tree needs roots in order to branch out and blossom.

We haven't even been matched with a particular child yet, but we are already planning how to make her adoption and her pre-adoption life part of her story in our family.

• When we get matched to our daughter, we will build and send her a book with pictures of her new life. We will also begin building her life book with pictures we are provided from the orphanage/foster family, etc.  We will include any information, medical records, notes from the nannies that we are able to get.  
• We will honestly and openly answer her questions about her past with what we know, what we think, and what we believe.  "We know you were found in a park.  We think that you enjoyed watching the leaves and listening to the river until you were found. We believe that your birth parents loved you very much and wanted someone to find you and take good care of you." 
• We will include Chinese holidays in our family traditions, Chinese art and literature, Chinese dance, and as she becomes Irish, Danish, and German, we will all become Chinese.  Sound silly?  My family is all adopted, and each of us is from a different ethnic origin, but we were all given Irish names (like my father) to symbolize our family unity.  

This is just preliminary ideas we have to make sure our daughter feels fully part of our family AND fully in ownership of her past and her adoption.  On the whole, I think it will be easier for us than for most adoptive parents simply because adoption already has such a precedent in our family.

In the documentary "China's Lost Girls", one adoptee who was interviewed said that one hard thing about being adopted is that "everyone else was born from their mom" and she wasn't.  Well, in our family you can be home-baked like Daddy (and brothers, sister, and some grandparents and cousins) or adopted like Mommy (and grandma, great-aunts, and a cousin).  I am grateful for the place that adoption has had in our lives this far, and I can't wait until our Mei-Mei comes home and gets to take her place in this special family. 

Don't you have enough kids already?

So, WHY, when we already have five healthy, home-baked children, with not even a breath of infertility, are we considering adoption?  As one friend so delicately put it: "Aren't you two, like, baby-making machines?"  Or as others have said, "Haven't you had enough already?"  Way to be to-the-point.  Most people just swallow their shock, surprise (or perhaps occasionally disgust) and say, "Well, bless your little heart!"  Aw, thanks.

But really, WHY?  We have everything we need, everything we wanted, we have our "hands full" as I hear on every grocery trip.  Why adoption?

Simply put: ...nevermind, it's not simple.  But it comes down to a couple key factors.

First: You could say that we planned this before we planned our wedding.  The details were not what they are now, but the idea was firmly planted 12 years ago.  (This isn't making me sound less crazy, is it?)  The bottom line is - we were told that we probably would never be able to have children.  I have endometriosis, which aside from being a royal pain during menstrual cycles, often prevents or complicates pregnancies, decreasing fertility in some and increasing risk of miscarriage in others - or both.  There was a very real possibility that we would face serious infertility issues.  Needless to say, the issue never came to fruition, but before we knew that, we had decided that if it came down to it, we were both very much in favor of the idea of adopting our children.  I guess it's an idea that couldn't be put to rest simply because it wasn't "necessary" for us to build our family.

Second: Everyone but me thinks that I have a hard time with pregnancy.  I think what it really is is that they have to deal.with.me. and THAT is difficult.  Morning sickness is no picnic, but I've never had it that bad for that long.  The crushing fatigue of the first couple months certainly takes its toll on the family.  If I wake up by 7am, we're lucky, but I'm ready for a nap by 8:15am.  NOT the best thing for a mom with little kids at home (or her poor husband who suddenly has to take on WAY more of the housework and wonder IF there will be dinner - and no, he's not allowed to cook and you'd know why if you let him.)  The biggest physical issues with pregnancy are my joints.  I must produce enough relaxin to supply a whole army of preggo mommies.  My pelvis loosened so much during my 3rd and 4th pregnancies that the symphasis (the part where the two halves of the pelvic structure meet and are supposed to be interlocked) actually separated!  I functionally was walking on a pelvic fracture.  NOT FUN!  Huge pain, and some days I couldn't move.  Thank God forever for Dr. John Davis at Atlas Chiropractic!  I saw him regularly during my 5th pregnancy and didn't have any hip or pelvic discomfort until about 35 weeks!  If I hadn't fallen down the stairs at 7 months, I could have just about called it a "pain-free pregnancy".  Alas, because this is an issue, several people close to me, including my mother and husband, feel that another pregnancy is just inviting mobility issues and the potential of permanent joint damage.  (My husband adds: "I think you are much more easily damaged during pregnancy than you are letting on here." Like I said, no matter what I think, HE's the one who has to deal with me.)

Third: it's traditional!  There are more adopted people in my family than home-baked people.  I am second-generation adopted, along with my two brothers and sister.  My mother and her sisters are adopted as well.  Any little person adopted into my family will be third generation, with plenty of support and understanding.  We make such a fascinating nature/nurture case study.

Fourth: we're ready for it.  We already have experience with children, including children with difficult conditions.  Because of this, we feel prepared to adopt a special-needs child.  What does this mean?  From China, "special needs" could mean anything from a strawberry birthmark (which is considered unlucky) to gastroschisis, a condition in which a large part of the digestive system hangs on the outside of the baby's body through the belly button.  40% of the special-needs children abandoned in China have cleft lip and palate.  This is surgically correctable and many prospective adoptive parents are fine with accepting a child with this condition.  We are open to several conditions, but specifically interested in a child with a hearing impairment (from mild hearing loss to complete deafness).  Only about 3% of the children needing adoptive families in China have hearing loss, but they are harder to place because unlike cleft palate or club foot or even a heart defect, hearing loss is not correctable by surgery; it is a lifelong condition.  For our family, though, it's not a huge deal.  We have many friends and associates who have some degree of hearing loss, from moderate to profound.  Every member of our family uses some sign language.  I myself have been serving as a volunteer interpreter for the deaf at our church for nearly 8 years.  I'm not awesome, but I'm functional.  Hearing loss is not a foreign or frightening thing for our family.


Finally, WHY NOT???  We are a loving family with the means to support ourselves, and we want to bring in and raise a child who is already out there who does NOT have the benefit of that kind of family.  I don't see a reason not to adopt.

Do we have enough kids?  Well yes, we could be (and are) very happy with who we have already been blessed with... but I don't know that you can ever really share your love and life "enough".

Letters to Mei-Mei July-September 2011

Monday, July 25, 2011
Dear Mei-Mei,

Yesterday, Daddy and I went to see the bishop and talk to him about you.  He asked us questions to make sure we'd thought about finances, emotional and spiritual health, and that we had prayed about our decision to adopt.  We had a wonderful discussion, and told him that we have been praying as a family and at the temple.  The Lord has told us to keep going forward - for only when we are moving can he guide our steps.  Our path has shifted greatly from where it started, but I am so glad that it is leading us to you.

Love, Muqin

PS - This evening, your big brother Erik was flipping through books about China, pointing to any young female and calling her "Mei-Mei", and pointing at Mao and saying "No! No!"  Way cute.



July 29, 2011
Dear Mei-Mei,
I talked to CCAI today.  [Chinese Children Adoption International]  We discussed the Chinese government requirements for adoption and they said we are eligible.  I am so happy I could fly!  We are coming for you soon, my sweet daughter.
Be safe until we meet.



August 31, 2011
Dear Mei-Mei,
Last night, Fuqin and I sent in our Family Information Sheet and Medical Conditions Checklist to CCAI.  We are now on the waiting list for you.  If averages hold in our case, we will be matched with you between March 2012 and September 2012.  We are still not beginning our home study until January so that we have time to save up some money for the first phase, but I can work on other things, like parts of the application.


*Note: I have to edit these somewhat because we are not permitted to discuss specifics about a child's profile in an online setting until we have accepted them and been approved to adopt them.*
September 1, 2011
Dear Mei-Mei,
Did I see you today? There is an angel on my computer screen.  The new waiting child profiles were posted and there is [wonderful, perfect little girl whose info I have removed from here...]  I called Fuqin, then called and asked great Grandma and Grandpa Spain for a loan to start the home study right away.  When I talked to Pam Rodriguez at CCAI, she put us on the interested list, but warned us that there are about 20 families ahead of us.  Wow.
It seems like such a long-shot that 20 families would look at a perfect baby's profile and not adopt her, but I have to hope.  I have to believe that if that baby is meant to be my little girl, it will happen.  If not, I wish her a wonderful family and I hope we will find another situation that is that good of a match for us.  I know that whatever happens will be right and that you will be my perfect-for-us baby girl!
I love you, Mei-Mei!  I hope we will see you soon.
Love, Muqin

Birthing a Midwife: Introductions

ME
I suppose I should start by introducing myself and explaining why I would want to become a Certified Professional Midwife (CPM).
My name is Erin.  I am a stay-at-home mother of (currently) five children.  Four were born in hospitals, one at home.  Two of my babies were born attended by OB/GYNs, two with Certified Nurse-Midwives (CNM), one with a CPM.  Three were born with the epidural-and-pitocin treatment, one "accidentally" natural, one natural by choice.  I feel that short of a cesarean section, I have largely run the gamut of normal birth experiences. 
Like many people, I assumed that babies were born in hospitals, that doctors know best, and that if you can get yourself labeled "high-risk", you are likely to get the safest care available.  I thought that home birth was for crunchy-organic-granola people and I wanted nothing to do with that kind of irresponsible extremism.

MY SHORT OBSTETRIC HISTORY
My first child was born in 2001, attended by a OB/GYN who not only had the bedside manner of a drunken sailor, but who told me during my labor that he had a camping trip that weekend (it was a Friday) and that I was to have that baby by 5pm.  After a violent-but-effective experience with pitocin, and a too-little-too-late epidural, low blood sugar, exhaustion, forceps delivery (which bruised my sweet baby's face) a HUGE episiotomy and further tearing, I was delivered of a 7#3 baby boy.  During the stitching-up process, my doctor left several gauze packs inside my body, which caused a terrifying scene almost a week later. 

The following year, 2002, my second child was born in a different hospital attended by a CNM.  I LOVED this woman.  She was a calming, wonderful influence in the delivery room.  Although I still had pitocin augmentation and an epidural, I was this time calm and lucid enough to participate in my daughter's birth.

In 2004, even after giving birth twice, I had not at this point ever experienced a true active labor contraction - only pitocin-augmented contractions.  When my labor began with my third child, I assumed it was pre-labor because it was not wrenchingly painful.  I went about my business, even sleeping through a long stretch of active labor.  I awoke during transition, and only began to realize that I MIGHT be in labor.  I tried to go do laundry, but found the task impractical.  My husband and I arrived at the hospital with only enough time to change clothes, have every vein in both arms ruptured in an attempt to start an IV, and have a fight with the CNM-on-call (same practice as the previous birth, but not my favorite person in the practice) before our son was born less than an hour after our arrival.  No drugs.  I had no idea what to expect because I had never experienced natural labor before.  I was terrified.  I was equally shocked by the sudden relief, calm, and buoyancy I felt immediately after the birth.  The recovery was phenomenal.

My fourth (another son) was born in 2007, in a new hospital in a new city, with a new OB/GYN.  The experience of being thrust back into the pitocin-and-epidural routine contrasted sharply with my previous birth experience and confirmed to me that something needed to change. 

When I became pregnant with my fifth child, I searched for local CNMs, finding very few options, and none I was comfortable with.  I did, however, find many CPMs/RMs (Registered Midwife) who did home births.  It was an option I never had considered before.  My preliminary searches yielded very comforting statistics about the safety of home birth, and I was shocked to discover that our insurance company would actually COVER a home birth with a CPM!  My husband slowly became convinced that this was a doable option, and we hired our wonderful midwife, Merrie.  I studied and read everything I could during the pregnancy, becoming ever more convinced that this was the right course, and discovering the likely reasons I endured so many interventions with my previous births.  I gained confidence in my own ability to birth, discarded my fear of the process, and just enjoyed the beauty, power and majesty of the miracle of new life.  Our son was born in November of 2009 in our own room, next to our bed, in an unprecedented atmosphere of peace, joy, support and comfort.  Less than an hour later, I was showered, dressed in my own comfortable clothes, and in my bed with my son at my breast and my husband lying beside me.  It was a remarkable and life-changing moment.

A NEW JOURNEY
I knew after this experience that I wanted to change our society's birth culture - and in so doing indeed change the world - one family, one woman at a time.  So began the journey I am currently on.  I decided within a year after my little son's birth that I wanted to become a home birth midwife.

I now am studying and doing the academic portion of my training through an online program called Midwife-To-Be, which is run by Lisa Aman, a midwife in South Carolina.  I also do clinical hours at prenatal/postnatal visits with my preceptor, Merrie, the midwife who caught my last baby.  I am taking my time with the program.  I want to be thorough, and I do not intend on having regular office hours or my own practice until my youngest child (who is not yet born) is old enough to be at home alone or with his/her siblings.  In the mean time, I participate in the birthing process wherever I can, including giving support (and foot massages) to expecting mothers, volunteering as a doula at friends' births, and helping wherever I am wanted.

AN INVITATION
Join me on my journey.  I welcome your insights, comments and experiences.  I hope that my experiences and knowledge will help you.

Bringing Mei-Mei Home: Three Generations of Miracles

(This was my first post on our China adoption blog)

One reason this very, very fertile family is adopting is, simply stated:

TRADITION

To be short, my children are the ONLY blood-relatives I have in my entire family.

My maternal grandparents could not have children the traditional way (grandpa became sterile after having the mumps) so they adopted my mother and her two sisters in 1952, 1960 and 1964 respectively.  Grandma and Grandpa were quite unusual and forward-thinking for 50s parents of adopted children: they actually TOLD their daughters that they were adopted!  My grandparents took a lot of flak for that.  Back in those days, adoption was not nearly as well-accepted as it is today - it was nearly a scandal to admit that a child was not your flesh-and-blood - and most adopted children found out the "family secret" by accident or on their parents' deathbeds.  My mother, on the other hand, always knew where she came from and that her family was her family no matter how she came to be in it. 

20 years later...  My parents married in 1974 assuming, as most people do, that they would not have any barriers to childbearing.  They came to find out, though, that Mom had reproductive problems serious enough to prevent any chance of becoming pregnant.  Today, she probably would have been diagnosed with PCOS and a couple other things, and may have been able to overcome those and bear children herself with the help of a few modern medical miracles.  However, medicine being what it was in the 70s and 80s, these advances had yet to come to pass, so my parents could not have children the home-made way either.

Not to be deterred from their dream of having four children, they adopted me through LDS Social Services (now LDS Family Services) as a 13-day old infant in 1980.  My adoption was contested by my birth father and after a court battle it was finalized in 1981 when I was more than a year old.  Two years later, I became a big sister when we adopted my first brother - also an infant - through LDS Social Services.  I had the privilege of being the first person to enter the conference room with the little crib where my new baby brother was waiting for us to meet him.  He was the most beautiful, fat little thing I’d ever seen, and he was ALL MINE!  My parents had special baby books for my brother and I that were designed for LDS adopted children.  Instead of having pages for “labor and delivery” or “coming home from the hospital”, there were pages for “my first home”, “at the agency” and “my day at court”, as well as several pages for writing about the adoption process. 

I enjoyed being adopted.  Not that I had anything to compare it to, but it was something special about me, something different about my family.  To me, it was an important part of my identity. It was also fun.  I could claim not to be related to my brother when he did something embarrassing.  We joked with my Daddy, telling him that we were all “chosen”, but his parents had to take him!  Dad, as the only home-baked person in the family, was the “different one”.  At school, I had mixed experiences.  Other children were curious about my being adopted.  They would ask me things like, “How did you find out?”, “Were you in an orphanage?” and “Do you know who your real parents are?”  Nothing riled me like that last question.  Of course I knew my real parents!  They were raising me!  It doesn’t get more real than sitting up with a sick, puking child, driving hours every week for piano, softball and karate, as well as teaching, disciplining, sacrificing in every way that a parent does!  I was quite defensive of my family, and militant about people using “correct” terminology when discussing my origins.  “Birth mother” and “biological mother” were allowable terms for the woman who bore me, “real mom” was fiercely forbidden. 

Now, I don’t want anyone to think that I had ill feelings for my birth mother.  Quite the contrary, my parents taught me from the earliest age that the irrefutable evidence of my birth mother’s love for me was the fact that allowed me to have a family with a father and mother, happily married to each other, by placing me for adoption.  My mother told me,

“The greatest act of love ever performed for you outside of the Atonement of Jesus Christ was your birth mother placing you for adoption.”

I believed that.  I still do, and my experiences and acquaintances since then have been further evidence to me that what my mother told me is true.  My birth mother is my angel; a guiding star and inspiration.  My mother, however, is my pillar; my sunlight, and my hand to hold. 

For a long time, it was just the two of us children and our parents; a cute, little Father-Mother-Sister-Brother family just like the Berenstein Bears.  Can’t ask for more than that, right?  Well, Mom and Dad had always wanted a somewhat larger family than that.  It just wasn’t panning out.  While we still lived in Oregon, there was a brief time when they thought another adoption would come to be, but that situation fell through.  We moved to New Jersey, then Pennsylvania, and got a very harsh response to inquiries in those states.  It was not to be.

We lived 12 years in the east, and it appeared that we would always be “just the four of us”.  Then, when I was 15 we moved to Colorado.  My mother became friends with a wonderful lady, Kathleen, who had adopted a daughter.  She and her husband already had 3 home-baked sons and since that time they have adopted three more children.  That friendship led to an acquaintance with local foster families, one of which happened to be fostering a 4-year old boy who became my brother.  The first time he came to our home for a day visit, we all knew that he was meant to be with us.  He was adopted through Adams County, Colorado when he was 5 and I was 16.  Going from the 14-year old being the “baby of the family” to a kindergartener was quite a transition, especially since this particular kindergartener was not yet potty trained, had the language of an 18-month old, and even lower processing skills.  His sweet disposition won us all over, and we determined to help him achieve whatever he was capable of. 

My parents still wanted to bring one more child into the family, so they set about again to adopt someone close to my little brother’s age.  Working with Adams County for my brother’s adoption had been beastly, so my parents sought out different options for the last go-round and finally found my sister through Denver County when I was 18 and a senior in High School.  She was a tiny little 4-year old Hispanic girl with bright, warm brown eyes and an enormous smile.  It was love at first sight.  Something amazing happened the first time she spent the night at our home.  After tucking the little ones into their beds, my mother came into my room.  We both had felt the same thing: the family was now complete.  A hole had been there, imperceptible until it was filled.  My sister did not have the mental challenges that my little brother did, but she had plenty of her own struggles to overcome because of her turbulent past.

While her adoption was in process, I graduated from High School (class of 1999) and met a wonderful young man that summer.  We decided (very quickly) to get married.  Prior to our wedding in December 1999 I was told by my doctor that because of my endometriosis, I was unlikely to ever have children, or at the least would have great difficulty maintaining a pregnancy.  Well, I told myself, that’s just how things work in this family.  Women in my family don’t have babies!  I resigned myself to that fate and had a lengthy discussion with my fiancé, making sure that he was really alright with the concept and reality of adoption.  I figured that was the only way we were going to have a family of our own.  After a lot of pondering, he agreed, although I don’t think he fully “got it” yet.  He hadn’t seen the miracle of our family in action yet.  That’s where God’s timing proved so perfect. 

In December, my sister’s adoption was finalized.  My beloved came with the family to court and got to witness first-hand how my family legally comes to be.  Then, just one week before our wedding, we sat together in the Denver LDS Temple as my sister was sealed to my parents and given beautiful blessings and promises just as if she had been born to them.  He felt the power of the bond that an adopted family can have.  It is something not taken for granted, because one isn’t just “born with it”, it has to be forged, actively cultivated, proven and ratified before God and the law.  He decided then that adoption was part of our future, his future, as a member of this family.  One week later, on December 17, 1999, we were married and sealed in that same room in the temple, beginning our own journey as a family unit. 

Well, fast-forward 11 years…  All of my doctor’s predictions about difficulty in childbirth have come to naught.  We have (with no difficulty) baked-and-birthed five beautiful, healthy, brilliant little people.

One thing is lacking: 

We want to pass on this legacy of adoption to the third generation.